Where did you get a picture of my penis
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Randomize
