i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
