I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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