i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
