She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
