"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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