What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
