I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
organizing the empties. That sober.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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