I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
