i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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