I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
The air taste purple.
Randomize
