I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize