what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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