he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
