My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize