I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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