Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Randomize
