Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
