oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize