I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
