no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
