I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
now i know why i became what i already was.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize