I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
