I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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