I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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