Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
