I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
