dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
