I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
