Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Found the puke drawer
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
