Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Randomize
