If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize