just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
