Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
