i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
