youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
