i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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