i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
