What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
