eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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