I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
