There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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