so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
