I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
