You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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