the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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