I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
