apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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