From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
