Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
