i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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