Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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