Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
