Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
